Discernment Counselling: How to Know if Your Marriage is Over
This is a question that haunts so many people. Could you try harder? What have you missed? Will it get better once the kids are older/ she gets a new job/ we move/ he starts counselling, etc etc.
For many people, this question they have been agonizing over for so long has kept them stuck because so much is at stake. There is a lot of confusion over it, past hurt and maybe even hope for the future.
This is a brief breakdown of things to consider and an overview of how Discernment Counselling works.
Keep in mind, this post is geared to people not experiencing abuse, coercive control or other power imbalances.
In the book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, Mira Kirshenbaum looks at this decision not as a pros and cons list or something a lawyer would prepare. She looks at it like a diagnosis. There might be one million things in the pros list but being perfect on paper doesn’t make anyone happy.
Here are some big questions to ask yourself to get some clarity from her book which I very much recomend. (Do keep in mind some language in it is dated).
Looking back on the best of times, would you say that things were ever really good between you?
If you had permission to leave, from your children, your parents, even God, how would you feel?
In spite of your current problems, do you and your partner have one positive interest you share (besides kids) that gives you a sense of closeness for a while?
Does you partner ever allow you to get what you want, or have you stopped trying because it doesn’t become worth the effort?
Does your partner have a case of “off-the-table-itis” "(which means, a lot of topics or depth are no-go conversations)
This is a very abridged portion of her book of course but I find these questions helpful to at least think about as you decide.
As for Discernment Counselling, its often nothing like the couples counselling you have tried in the past.
This model was developed by Bill Doherty, a therapist and professor known for his work in relationships and family systems. His approach recognizes that in many struggling couples, one partner is often “leaning in” (wanting to repair the relationship), while the other is “leaning out” (considering leaving). Discernment counselling creates space for both perspectives without pressure. It is also close-ended with only six sessions so the leaning out partner isn’t staring down the barrel of never-ending therapy.
At its core, discernment counselling is about:
Clarity over urgency — slowing things down so decisions aren’t made in panic or conflict
Responsibility over blame — each partner reflects on their own contributions to the relationship patterns
Respect for both outcomes — staying together and separating are treated as equally valid paths
Intentional next steps — if couples choose to try again, they do so with a clear, time-limited commitment to change. Usually six months and agreed tangible changes that must be completed in that time.
Instead of fixing the relationship right away, the goal is to decide whether and how to move forward.
All parties will join the Zoom call (or in-person if your therapist offers that) and then take turns talking to the therapist one-on-one. They will then meet all together and sum up what they discussed with the therapist, and any realizations they may have had. Then its the other partner’s turn to digest the share and talk about their own concerns, hopes and pain around where they are.
