What I wish I knew when I was going through my divorce

They say write from your scars, not your wounds so I feel qualified (and ready) to talk about my divorce from a healed place…one without major emotions flaring up. Maybe just a little guilt I had done it better.

When I was going through my divorce, I was 27. That’s when everything fell apart, or more accurately, I blew it all up.

I was living in a beautiful house with a view of the harbour, a ton of great shared friends we saw every weekend, a family place on a lake, a job I adored…even a picket fence and a dog.

Fast forward and my view was no longer the ocean but an alley way in the biggest city in Canada. I had heartbrokenly left my harbour dream town for a “big” job to cope with my change- and thought a change of scenery was needed. It was. I met my now husband there and we’ve since been able to build a sweet life on the east coast.

BUT at the time, I had no idea how things were going to work out. Divorce is scary, the lawyers, the paperwork, the stakes. If I could go back in time and give my younger self some advice (and some praise) this would be it:

Communicate: Unless it is unsafe to do so, you need to communciate with your partner that the break-up is happening and you will be leaving the house to stay at a rental (as I did in my case), contacting a lawyer, etc. If you are the person leaving, you have had months or longer to contemplate what this change will look like. The other person is left in shock. If I could go back, I would have communicated much more clearly what needed to happen to save that person stress and shock over paperwork being delivered to the house.

Therapy is GOOD. Even if the goal is not reconciliation. My ex-husband did want to go to counselling together in the aftermath of the separation. I didn’t agree. I didn’t think I had anything left to say that might be useful but I see now that is selfish. He needed answers that I obviously wasn’t providing. I was trying to spare us both hurt but it just prolonged his. It would have made the process with lawyers and assets a lot smoother if we had more trust and empathy for each other too.

This is not a failure. We think that any relationship that comes to an end has failed (or at least that is what society tells us. But it couldn’t be further from the truth. What did you learn from the other person? What did you learn about yourself? Did you gain friends, family or have children together? Those are all beautiful things that would not have happened without this experience.

I share this all because I carried guilt around for years about my behaviour in the aftermath. I was never mean but had removed myself so fully, he was left without understanding of what happened and why. Brene Brown says that being clear is kind and it’s true. I think thats the paradigm of divorce.

The other person is the adversary.

Don’t give an inch.

But that paradigm is just not fair…and it is hurting both people going through a separation or divorce.