How to Stay Emotionally Regulated in Hard Conversations with Co-Parent
Take a friggin second after that heated email, text or even phone call.
Our goal is to slow the reaction time from thought/ situation to feeling to behaviour. Situation: He wants to switch a weekend AGAIN? Feeling: agitated, frustrated and unfairness. Behaviour: Text back a big fat NO.
We could repeat this pattern with meeting a new partner, being late to drop-off, using babysitters frequently on their residential time….you get it. The list goes on about how this person can (rightfully!) trigger some big emotions and reactions. But your elevated nervous system only hurts you and your kid/s.
So here’s what we’re going to do. We are going to build in a PAUSE in response.
Event: Ex-partner wants your kids to meet his new girlfriend of a few months on his upcoming weekend.
Feeling: Anger, hurt, betrayal, fear
Now here is where we breathe. If you need a few days before you respond you can always say something like: “Please leave this with me. I’ll get back to you within the week.” This is just respectful and a way to lay the groundwork for better communication, good will and thus outcome.
In this time, you’ll need to work through those big emotions. Pull out your journal, book in with your therapist or call a friend.
Name the emotions first. Research shows that the more specific we can get to the emotion, the better we immediately feel (I.e.: digging down past “stress” to shame, fear over the children liking her, embarrassment you don’t have a new partner, resentment, etc). You can’t get too specific and you can even google “emotion wheel” to help you find the right wording.
After this process, you know how you’re feeling. Once you have awareness, you have choice. Do I want to be a woman who is guided by her fear? Or do I want to be a woman who chose her children and her own peace over resentment and old wounds? Lets be clear, this is HARD. This is a tall order. Acknowledge that and give yourself compassion when it feels as hard as it is.
Remember, this person is not your spouse anymore. You have to shift from spouse mind to co-parent mind. This might not happen emotionally quickly but the more you practice professional and respectful communication, the easier it gets.
Awareness = Choice.
Awareness: I know I am feeling worried about the interruption into the children’s schedule and fearful how it might impact them. I have fear about it going badly- and going well. There is a part of me that is feeling small and ashamed I don’t have a new partner yet and I am feeling resentment he has moved on so quickly.
Response (If your answer is no): Hi Jacob. I really appreciate you reaching out and wanting my opinion on the kids meeting your new partner. After reflecting on it, I would feel more comfortable if we waited longer. There has been a lot of change for the kids and I want to make sure they’re in a better state before introducing a new change.
THERE. Don’t say anything else. Think of this communication like you’re speaking to an employer or employee. You don’t need to overexplain, show your emotions or even apologize.
Write what you WANTED to say in your journal. That needs to come out. But it cannot come out to your ex-partner. They are no longer your spouse; they are your co-parent and that relationship will not end. We want to start building the best (and easiest) relationship as co-parents and that starts at the beginning.
