What if Your Breakup Didn’t Have to be Horrible?
I’m here to make the case that not every breakup has to be horrible. Now, hear me out because I can practically feel the eyeballs rolling.
You’re feeling like the world you just spent years building, investing in and dreaming about has fallen down around you. You feel betrayed, like you can never trust this person again (or maybe anyone.) Everything feels scary: where you’re going to live, how you’re going to afford it, how the kids will cope, even, what will you tell the neighbours? You don’t even have time to grieve because you are so fully in survival mode and have a never-ending to-do list…and its not the mundane to-do’s like groceries, its the major ones like looking at rentals or preparing a financial disclosure.
But what can happen if we stay stuck in the “going to war” mindset is that these things don’t get better, they get 10 TIMES worse. You thought you had agreed on a 70-30 parenting plan but the more aggressive you get (or your lawyer) all the sudden, they are demanding 50-50. You dig your heels in about the house and all the sudden, they are demanding you list it immediately. That is just in the short-term. Long-term, this kind of of acrimony will mean your kids will be forced to take sides, keep secrets and generally feel lost about where they belong in the family that used to be. It will mean you will feel sick every time you have to send a co-parenting text. It means your holidays will be fractured, your money will be gone to lawyers and your peace will be non-existent because you can’t ever relax with the looming threat of another court date.
Here’s the thing, it’s not your fault. There are so many messages that there is one way to divorce: and that is getting a lawyer and going for blood. You’re hearing it from your friends, family and of course, your lawyer. You’re probably seeing it on social media too. It’s probably how your parents or friends’ parents split. You have heard about conscious uncoupling but that feels reserved for Hollywood, and not your hometown.
But why not? It’s 2025. We are doing things differently now. We are slowing down. We are more conscious than ever. And that can apply to your divorce or breakup to completely change your world and your future. You have been doing it in all the other areas of your life already.
Imagine waking up without that weight on your chest. You have quality time with your kids who feel okay to talk about their life with the other parent…to both of you. They know you’re both coming to their basketball game and will be there to take pictures at prom. No one is stressed about it. In fact, it feels downright cordial and even supportive. When you have a last-minute work event and need to change a parenting weekend, you can text them without a snippy reply or threat. It’s feels easy, especially when you see your friend in and out of court years later, living like a shell of her former self. That could have been you and you feel so grateful that you broke up like adults. You’re not best friends with your ex but you have gotten on with your life without resentment and love this new version of you. Your kids are doing amazing. You gained that freedom you lacked in your marriage but kept the life-giving connection to your kids. You didn’t lose anything, you just gained and gained and gained.
This isn’t a fairytale, this is a very real version of your life I am presenting and even fighting for with my counselling specialty. It’s not popular. What is popular is to tell you that your ex is a narcissist that must be dealt with harshly. Look, they might be. But believe it or not, this style of breakup actually de-escalates that conflict and takes the wind right out of the high-conflict or narcissistic person’s sails. This is the high road, baby but it’s not just about doing what is ethical, it’s about doing what ACTUALLY works. Which I am all about, especially when there is good research behind it.
“Divorce counselling can significantly reduce emotional distress, lower conflict levels, and support healthier co-parenting outcomes.”
(Source: Journal of Family Psychology, APA)
You can test this theory yourself. Try this today and see what happens: when your former partner next texts you, even if its rude, reply like they’re a colleague or boss. You are cordial, brief and professional. This is a micro-start of building good will that will transform into a pattern of behaviour for both of you.
Of course, this isn’t easy and that is why I tailor support to you and your situation. You don’t have to walk the high road alone. I am right here with you.
Let’s not waste money, time, energy, your kids happiness because you want to “win”. What does that mean, anyways?
Winning to me is peace. Peace of mind, at home, in life. Winning isn’t fighting over the shreds of your old life, its crafting an exciting, authentic and magnetic new one.
