Why Do We Fight?

A book I just read called “High Conflict” was so good, I couldn’t put it down. I am always looking to understand why we do what we do, and this book shone a massive light on why we fight.

Hint: it’s not because they’re wrong and you’re right.

There is an underlying factor in every conflict: Fear.

Recently I had a terse back-and-forth with a man who was angry my children were throwing rocks in the ocean. (whaaaat?)

My fear in this situation: fear of judgement of my parenting, fear and defensiveness that me and my children are being embarrassed, fear they don’t feel I am protecting them, fear he could escalate further.

His fear? Probably that his waterfront will look different if all children are allowed to toss a rock in the water. Fear of what could happen if we don’t all follow the same rules.

Here is another for-instance of fear in conflict…

Angry at your child’s teacher for what you feel is a punitive teaching style? (Fair enough)

But what is underneath the conflict?

Your fear that your child is not emotionally safe at school, not being nurtured or unjustly disciplined. This activates us in allll the mama/papa bear ways.

That teacher? Her fear is that if she changes her teaching philosophy now, she will have to admit that decades of teaching were misguided, that her class would be unmanageable, she would be in trouble with her boss, and most deeply, she would be a “bad” teacher or person.

Fear keeps us closed to other options.

If you could see that fear clearly, how would the fight change?

If you weren’t fearful of your child’s emotional safety at school (knowing you’re an empowered adult capable of problem-solving), you would give the teacher some good will in your conversation and hear where they’re coming from. Maybe her definition of guidance isn’t harmful after all, rather an opposition to your gentler or laissez faire style.

If you’re the teacher without fear of feedback, you would truly hear how your style is landing with this child and family, offer adjustments without feeling a loss of respect or like this conversation is an attack.

We can see this fear play out on a massive scale with global politics, perhaps now more than ever. We are so polarized that there is little room for crossing the aisle, in government and in our neighbourhoods. There is wrong and there is right.

We have been taught that the different is scary but what if we looked at it as a chance for curiosity, rather than conflict?

If you want to approach conflict differently, you can just start to pause and acknowledge that there may be fear in the interaction.

Once we have awareness, we have choice, as Gabor Maté says.

Let’s introduce some conscious choice in the matter and see what happens.